the road not taken, because i quit.
Finally I manage to say it, or at least admit to it and it’s a big step to make. I hereby confess that I'm a quitter. I really am and there is no other word for it, no synonym to make it sound better. It is what it is. And I from now on will not pretend otherwise.
It took me long enough to realize what I actually was, and now I can say it (out loud, say it). I am a quitter. I quit things faster than I can figure them out. I never do the whole “never give up” thing because it would be a lie. If I see trouble I will most likely run. If something is too hard I would most likely not do it at all or take the easy way out. More often I’m just too lazy.
Up for a challenge? Not today thank you, I’ll pass.
But is it such a bad thing to realize and recognize your own limits? Is it as awful and horrible as it sounds, to be what I now know that I am?
Honestly, yes it is. It is just as awful and horrid as it sounds.
It’s frustrating not to be able to finish anything and feel really good about it or about myself. I hate the constant doubts. And I hate the feeling of needing to run away whenever things take a wrong turn or don’t end up like I thought they would. I hate the feeling of never being satisfied because I know I just took the easy way out instead of actually doing something “the right way”. I hate not being able to do or plan to do things because the mere thought of them screams: “hard work, quitters be aware!” Or how I can never try anything new because I’m terrified of the outcome, because I doubt everything before I have even tried it, afraid I won’t ever be able to handle it, whatever it is. And once I do try it and it’s not what I had in mind, I feel defeated, crushed and utterly useless. And so I run away again.
But how do I turn it around? How do I force myself to stay put and not quit without feeling like the world is on my shoulders? As I said it’s a big step, for me it’s huge. Somehow I know it’s possible. Somehow it is, I just haven’t figured it out yet.
(This is probably one of the most personal and self revealing posts I have ever written. Oh. )
