serendipity me

I doubt that this count as genuine happiness.

I don’t think you know this, though you could have guessed it I guess, but I’m one of those crazy people who obsess over things after just finding out about them. Or not really. See it’s not all easy explaining all the crazy shizz that goes on inside of me (yeah, I went there) but here is a try, or preview. First you should know two things about me, no actually you don’t need to know them at all, but:

1) It doesn’t take much to make my day (I could write please me, but it’s too early in the morning for words that have more than one meaning)

2) It doesn’t take much to ruin my day, either (or get me down, you get the point)

I guess it is counterbalance or something. And you could be thinking “what’s so bad about that?” Oh, I’ll tell you what’s so bad about that. This: THERE IS NO IN BETWEEN! There is no in between! (repeating stuff and not caring) I can be really happy and excited about something, could be almost anything OR I’m really sad or irritated. There is no in between. It’s either this or that. And it sucks. Especially when/if the same thing causes both reactions (or emotions to be more precise).

Say I find something really cool, funny, interesting and get into it. Really get into it. It makes my day, heck it makes my week if I can keep it up without cracking, (we’ll soon get to the cracking) and at that point nothing, nothing can get me down, this something replaces and pushes away all other crap, helps me drown the surfacing thoughts about “the bad” things. Because all I think about is the “happy” something that makes me happy. And I’m floating on clouds, and smiling inappropriately and giggling when I should not giggle and it’s all fun and great until I realize something else (I know it’s difficult but try to keep up).  And this is where I start to crack. The smile turns into a frown and the happy thoughts are cast away and I’m open for destruction from within (or out depending on how you see it). Why? Because all it takes is a little thought, for instance I could realize that something is very, VERY unlikely to happen or that it’s so close that if I had the courage I could reach out and grab it but and at the same time couldn’t be more far away. And so it begins; the decline. And unless I find a way to turn it around, somehow, I get stuck in a downwards spiral until I find something else to occupy my mind/thoughts with. Something to replace it with, forget it with.
It adds to the load of self pity the fact that I never actually dare to do something to change my own situation.

And the problem is that I always need something new, something new to obsess over or care about, something to make me “happy” because I don’t want to be “sad”. Because there is no in between. There is no in between…